Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
