I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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