I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
