I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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