So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
