do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
