Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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