you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need water and some morals
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
