life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
