too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
