My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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