I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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