she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
