I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
