My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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