so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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