the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
