we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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