sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
