just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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