i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
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DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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