The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
being pregnant is like rehab
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
