I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
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Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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