the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
