So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
