dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
