I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
