You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
