I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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