he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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