Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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