my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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