My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he thought i was a dude.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
