I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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