What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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