I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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