I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
