It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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