We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
