how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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