Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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