How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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