im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
