Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
