It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
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