Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
