i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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