just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
