There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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