last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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