Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
