there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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