I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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