Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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