The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
