Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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