And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
